viernes, 26 de noviembre de 2010

Ready-made redneck

So i had a great day. Didn´t have a plan when I arrived here, but on the shuttle ride from the airport I saw these desert cliffs way off in the distance and right then I decided that´s where I was going.
I headed first to the bus terminal, more into town, to drop off my backpack. After that it was walking time. This place ended up being a long ways, but I had all day: I only wish that my camera hadn´t decided to malfunction only for this part.

Instead I have a series of journal entries to clue you in:

Being spontaneous I go to the first spot that catches my eyes. I have to backtrack of course. Coming upon an unveiling ceremony for some Argentinian/Antogagastan heroe. The local army band played both national anthems and I chatted with a local woman who sat next to me having just dropped off her son at school.
I caught a micro and got dropped off at some beach, but I immediately started heading further towards the cliffs. This is really arid land, no grass whatsoever. Troping along empty space, only surrounded by traffic, where likely no tourist or local has gone before. I head for the beach and ecnounter shantytowns. Ranging from rundown metal structures, tents on the beach, and cutely painted cottages. Should I worry about my safety or enjoy the hideaway I´ve discovered.
Perched on jagged rocks above the waves I go for the latter. And so the adventure continues, what lies around the corner?
Further down even closer to the waves I spot a while dome, it´s a memorial to a lost love one:

En Memoria de Ricard Jesús Araja Castillo
2.1.1958 - 8.1.2010
"No te preguntaremos porque, te llevaste, sino te damos gracias porque nos los distes."
We won´t ask why you were taken, but we give thanks for what you gave us

This seems to be a common practice as I encountered several alters. It´s really touching because these are way out there perched on jagged rocks, surround by waves. They are really special places to remember loved ones.

Trash Dump Beach Resort
Ghost Town Empty Roads
The ocean´s waves
The sun´s rays
Ahhh, to be alone

This basically describes the majority of my trek. The beaches are littered in trash, and an unusual amount of singular shoes. It seems that a lot of homeless people camp along here, as well as many people drinking at night as there are lots of fire spots and broken rum, beer bottles.

Guid books are only limits
to pick a spot and go,
not because someone else has been,
not because there are signs to direct you.
To just follow that initial instinct

Here´s probably the most incredible thing i found. A patch of the cliff was cover by mounds of nothing but seashells, like it the very first stage of sand formation. Pure white seashell sand high up on a dune cliff, I really am on the moon. It´s nearly impossible to explain, but it´s like any rock you´d encounter, huge slaps of the stuff, but it´s nothing but sea shells. And it must´ve been here forever because it´s way way up above the ocean. I´ve never seen anything like it. And I considered bringing some back, but with just a little handling it begins to crumble.

I keep flashing back to Lawrence of Arabia. This shit is cool!
My general reaction. The truth is, it was very much like it, except I was right on the ocean, I had water, and I could see a road and civilization. One this I didn´t consider was the big thing called sun. I now have an incredibly red face.


Ends of the ocean
an endless mass
until it comes to earth
that which holds off this mass
but in good time
nature´s water force
makes sculpture out of land.

Delivering life to land
since the beginning of history
walking life and sculptured life
air, wind, plant, texture

LAST THOUGHT: Birds are lucky, they can be perched on any delicate surface in the world if they want to.

Before my internet runs out. My last errand was a haircut and boy was it great. Shampoo and hair massage and a much lighter head! The ladies were nice too and after laughing at my red head suggested I buy some aloe vera.

lunes, 15 de noviembre de 2010

Trying for a bit of regulation

Continuing with poems, this time I gave myself an outline for syllables, a little more challenging. 8, 5, 8, 6

The Mind

The mind we know, an empty space
nothing which to grasp.
For this it is an endless gift,
but difficult to trust.

While correlating countless thoughts,
diff´rence it can make,
when transformation tangible
is formed in line of sight.

domingo, 14 de noviembre de 2010

Fantasy Reality

Envisioning perfection
It´s what you want
A stage of confidence
where doubts come and go

The euphoric feeling
at rest in reality
The mind of a sane being
Contentment in fantasy

jueves, 11 de noviembre de 2010

Its all up to me

So Ive done it, not saying it was the most responsible decision but I feel bastante claro que es que quiero.
I filled out the form to withdraw from CalState OIP Program, and it was surprisingly easy. 1 page, name, address, reason for withdrawing and signature. Now all I have to wait for is to see when the refund comes, but more importantly Ive gone through with the decision and now its up to me what I do!
The worries come naturally, but what will he do, does he have plans? Well yes I do, nothing concrete, but I have time and there are so many possiblities. I dont want structure right now and leaving it to the wind could do me some good I think. If anything it will be more difficult but since when was that a bad thing? Im tired of comfort.

Now if only I can get there more profoundly. Im having one of those identity crisis, you know those? But what I keep telling myself is to just enjoy the life Im living. I shouldnt be worrie about what Im doing what I did or what I will do. I have a direction, Im going east to Buenos Aires so Im not completely lost. But what I think is most important is that I just let things happen and not focus too much on mental progress, growing, finding or defining myself. These things happen naturally and with time and its just my nature to fight that.

I need to stop defining myself and just be, then my life with stop being a crisis and just be. Ahhhhhhh, sounds so peaceful, now the easy part is done. Awareness. Now I just need to stop trying or forcing or one of the words.

Change doesnt equal failure I say!

jueves, 4 de noviembre de 2010

There´s always one of us in these labs

That is the computer labs or crisols as they call them here. I guess it makes sense, but I always neet my fellow gringos in the computer labs.

So I´ve been struggling with my plans for next semester. I´m set on opting out of the program. I´ve spoken to the dad and stepmom, this may be a surprise to you mom as we haven´t been able to speak much.
But the more and more and more I see myself somewhere else next semester I feel great and the more and more and more I´m here in Santiago or thinking of school and all that I just get all tense and unhappy, so there´s no more obvious sign than that eh?
It´s not as though Chile´s awful, but at least Santiago specifically doesn´t inspire me. I could stick it out, but I don´t see any sense in that. I´ve now realized that I should´ve gone about this escape in a different way, independent of school, but that was the easy route. Now I take a likely more difficult road with really not a clear direction but already so many possiblities ahead. There´s so much I can do.
I´ve set my sights on Buenos Aires, specifically because of the BAFICI film festival in April. We´ll see at what level I can get involved but it´s possible I already have connections. Other than that the possiblities are endless as simple as teaching english in BA or somewhere else. I found an incredible program in the highlands of Ecuador. There´s a yoga retreat I can go and work with and experience. And plenty more.
It seems I should´ve have just gone with these ideas from the start beacause what I wanted was an escape from the vacuum of institutionalized education.
I´m Still Finishing! no worries there! As long as they don´t kick me out! And I am aware of the consequences, but it´s time to start meeting those. I think I might talk to my advisor today. There is precedent for this as I know a guy who left mid semester from the same program in France.
This is what I want and what I need. And something to distract me and keep me going. I´ve realized that a big part of this was escaping the life that was forming for me in SF, I suppose I was scared or something? But that is what I want. It wasn´t perfect but it was real. So now I´ll keep myself in the continent, get that Spanish down, meet great people, have great experiences. This is all possiblie I TELL MY SELF!!

And now, a few more writings inspired from the thought process of the last week or so.


Education Is

I see education as a gift
lessons learned from life experience
this regurgitating, ramble consuming
it works me to the point of disaffection
education should be voluntary
but in its current structures
it´s nothing but obstacles
This isn´t the real world
we´r just stuck in limbo
if the real world is there and waiting,
why stay behind and let opportunities slide.

To opt out is a dream
who would I be disappointing?
Not myself
Again comes that patience factor
look at this time to develop yourself?
Read those books and write and make friends.
But this education won´t allow it.

----- Clearly it doesn´t flow to well, because I´m still in doubt. Here we have a different state, lovelorn, life dissecting, dreaming. Not still sure if I´ve found it.

A Life Más Simple

My heart and soul
they reach for adventure
but what is more
than that of a simple life?

To make a life and share it
to travel and enjoy las cosas simples
just let it and it beomes
a savior for an empty life

To watch a movie or cook a meal
lay in bed and watch the rain
the slimpler things bring the most joy
and while an adventure
once and a while, to break the course
brings insight and wonder and spirit,
I look at a life with companion in hand
as one to hold for a life entera

AND HERE IS TODAY. I feel like I´m done questioning myself or at least getting there and so why not confront those questions with more questions. I like this one the most.

Why Not?

Why do you think so much
Why does it matter?
Why don´t you support your ideas
Why when it´s what you want
Why do you need to be happy
Why can´t it just be natural
Why are you so self-aware
Why are you not?
Why do you live in the head
Why not vacation outside
Why are others so important to you
Why reject yourself
Why do what makes you happy
Why write this on paper
Why not?

lunes, 1 de noviembre de 2010


So I´ve moved! Overall good decision, I think i was somehow feeling too much part of the group at the last house it was like a hostal, try to socialize everyone, etc. and the neigborhood was so dead.
I´m in barrio brasil a beautiful place which much more life yet I´m still kind of at a loss at what I´m doing here, but I´m just sitting with this mood at the moment, it´s natural of course and not the first time.
I´ve yet to reallye explore the neighborhood, maybe I´ll get out today and snap some pictures.

2 things to keep me going. A possible stepping stone as far as my career goes. We´ll see how my possible connections in Buenos Aires go, that´s something to look forward to.

I still am stuck in this rut of moving on from the past and now worrying about the future. I think I´ve made a step forward in sitting with myself, facing my sincerity. My landlord actually gave me a good lesson. I wasn´t feeling comfortable living there and all he told me was that If I really felt that way all I had to do was tell him. But that can be so hard for me.

So then I moved and a felt like myself again, and I´m still being sincere with myself or at least I think I am. My Zen bible is helping me with that spontaneous factor and not grasping to the ¨idea¨that I have of myself.
I´ve confronted my state with Ralphie and come to terms with my true feelings, at least I think. Even now I´m hesitant to write this as I imagine in my head that he´s reading this and that say I still miss him and love him would be manipulative, but for god sakes! It´s My BLOG! And those thoughts are only holding me back.
He´s given me one thing to respond to and that is to leave him be, so I´ll wait until that day. All I need now is to find a comfortable space and be okay with that. I feel as though I´m close. Just let it be yes?

I´ve still got plenty of progress to make on my own. Self-discipline. Something all us youngins work on or at least I feel will do me good.

I now have a companion with the Ley Seca. That is I really want to just have no sex. It´s messy and I´d be kidding myself that it has a lot to do with considering Ralphie, but I also want it to be more independently my decision. Sex has lost its importance to me and I want to respect myself a bit. I feel as discipline with only help me be more centered and confident in myself.
What else? Less alcohol, certainly and if I can help it solely beer. I feel as though others put me in a different state, or at least further from the sober one than beer.
Those are the 2 big ones, the others I refer to my journal.
3) Yoga Every Week, that is at least once a week. I´m consistently going 2-3 times a week, but I don´t want to be too strict because I´m allowing other things in life to happen. I also want to find a medium where I don´t become too dependent on it. I find that I feel amazing after yoga but it usually only sticks for one day. This needs to continue, that euphoria no worries attitude.
So with that comes 4) More meditation, possibly every day? I´m hesitant to say every day because I´m so bad at setting up routine, but at least that or some simple physical exercise everyday. It´s important to be close to the body, be aware of it and not be too high up in the head. I spend too much time in my thoughts.
5) Continue eating healthy. I´m still grabbing for chocolates and cookies and empanadas, etc. But I´m maintaining a healthy diet at least with the main meals. Let´s try for less impulse snacks shall we?

6) And yes, don´t contact Ralphie. It takes discipline, but I already feel a far more centered person and I hope that when that time comes I´ll be able to explain myself better to him because God knows I was a pile of confusion that only made things more difficult for a relationship. Clearly I wasn´t ready then and at least for now I can say I´m more ready than before. It´s amazing what a couple months with yourself can do for you. I wish my 21 yr old mind could´ve handled that sooner.